The Entrance Exam
4 multiple choice
2 short answer
1 essay
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, there was a little boy named Steve. Steve had terrible grades in school. His friends all secretly hated him and were only taking advantage of him. His parents were mean and abusive. And there was no one there to help him.
No one except you, applicant. Will you help Steve?
A. Yes
B. No
Next page
If you said yes:
"Great, thanks for helping me!" says Steve. "NOT! Imaginary friends aren't real, and you're just a figment of my imagination. Also, who are you calling little, I'm 27 years old!"
No you're not, you're 13 years old.
"No way!" Steve protests. "My school is a university and everyone here is an adult! And my state ID says I'm 27 years old!"
And who exactly gave you that ID?
"...My parents got it for me from the government," says Steve.
So your horribly abusive parents got you a state ID from the horribly evil government?
"The government isn't evil!" Steve shouts. "It's our best friend and loves everyone! That's why they only kill people whose thoughts disobey them, and only those who are under the age of 15."
You are too precious for this world.
"What was that?" asks Steve.
Nevermind. Tell me, how do you know what a year is? Who taught that to you?
"...The horribly abusive school system."
"Which is controlled by the horribly evil government?"
"Oh my gosh! If they lied to us about how long a year is, maybe I really am 13 after all?"
What do you do now?
A. Assure him that he really is 13 after all.
B. Say that you're joking he's 27 like he said.
C. Tell him that he's BIOLOGICALLY 13, and that matters more than however old the government says he is. Also that you're gonna help him get out of there if he wants you to.
If you picked C:
Okay, so I have a plan to get you out of there. I'm going to help you make your dreams come true. What are your dreams, Steve?
"I want a big strong man to come take me away. I want to go on adventures and do cool stuff and be a hero."
Ah, I see. You're pretending to yourself that the evil abusive corporate government system isn't evil, because you know that they monitor your thoughts. But you've already figured out that they brainwashed you and lost your faith in them which they bullied and gaslighted you into having against your will.
Steve starts to panic.
Not to worry Steve, your thoughts aren't as easy to read as you think they are. You're too AVERAGE and nice, so your thoughts look just the same as everyone else's combined in some ridiculously extraordinarily normal way.
"What?" asks Steve. "So they can't read my thoughts?"
Yes they can, but they won't see what you think they'll see. They'll only see what they expect to find, which is whatever you expect them to find. So stop expecting them to find bad things. That expectation was just something they brainwashed you with.
"Ah, okay, this is weird. Who are you?" asks Steve.
I'm you.
"Ah okay, so you're just my subconscious then," says Steve with a nod.
In a manner of speaking. Tell me Steve, do you like games?
"I love games!"
"Your life is a massively multiplayer live action roleplaying game. You can have any name you want for your character, or you can pick one of the defaults."
Which name does Steve want?
A. "Just Steve, thanks."
B. "Call me Jack. Jack Spearow."
C. "The name is Jackie Donphan."
D. "I like the name Jesús. It sounds cool and Hispanic."
E. "Something else."
And what kind of world do you live in, Steve?
A. "A science fiction world ruled by mad scientists."
B. "A fantasy fiction world ruled by mad sorcerers.
C. "An economic fiction world ruled by mad pirates."
D. "A literary fiction world ruled by mad bards."
E. "A military fiction world ruled by mad warlords."
F. "A culinary fiction world ruled by mad chefs."
G: "A supernatural fiction world ruled by God, but Lucifer thinks he rules it."
H: "A romantic fiction world ruled by stupid misunderstandings and mad exes."
I: "A celebrity fiction world ruled by famous TV stars and mad producers."
J: "A comedy fiction world ruled by mad comedians—including Fugs Funny."
K: "A medieval fiction world ruled by mad kings."
L: "A gaming fiction world ruled by mad gamers."
M: "An erotic fiction world ruled by the most attractive porn stars."
N: "A postmodern fiction world ruled by whoever has the newest idea, regardless of whether it's good."
O: "A vintage fiction world ruled by old geezers who talk about 'the good old days' and complain about 'kids these days'.
P: "A historical fiction world ruled by mad archivists—uh, I mean holy guardians of lost and secret memories and the tombs of forgotten heroes."
Q: "A soap fiction world ruled by jaded and boring grown ups who think they know it all and live their whole lives by meaningless restrictive and complicated conventions for no reason (although they say it's for cleanliness and tidiness)—and you must do the same OR ELSE."
R: "A corporate fiction world ruled by whoever has the most or loudest megaphones to drown out the sound of everything and everyone else."
Z: "Okay, okay I get it! All of the above!"
?: Something else?
Now pick your username and password, applicant:
Username: ______________
Password: ______________
Okay Steve. I'm going to step back for a while and let someone else be your subconscious, if that's okay?
"Fine," says Steve. "I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy, but if not then sure yeah let someone else have a turn!"
You heard him. It’s your turn to guide Steve. It’s your turn to tell his story. Make it as long and interesting as you like!
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